On Being Known

"Who are you?"

That's a question I've been sort of struggling with over the last few weeks.  Not in an earth-shattering life crisis way, but in an existential musing sort of way.  I think it has to do with the juxtaposition of being "known" and being "unknown" that has become a theme in my life the last few months.  But more on that later.

Almost two years ago, on a different blog, I wrote a post about how I think that people's identities are made up as a composite of their life experiences - and how even the most insignificant circumstance can ultimately affect some future moment.  Experiences like the places you go, and the things you study, and the activities you engage in.  Who you are doesn't just appear one day out of nowhere; it's a delicately crafted combination of every part of your life up until the present.

Lately, I've been thinking about this notion of a "composite identity" from a different angle.  I've been thinking about how relationships with other people affect not only who you are, but how you perceive yourself.

I've been living in Nashville for seven months...and even though that's a long time, I still feel relatively unknown.  I know my coworkers fairly well, obviously, and they know me (as well as someone can know somebody after seven months), otherwise my relationships are slim.  I have one college friend who lives in the area, and I've met some new friends through her, but by and large I am an "unknown" here.  And lately, I've been struggling with that a lot.

The thing about being "unknown" is that people are still in the process of forming their opinions about me.  And that's fine.  It takes awhile to get to know someone.  But lately, I've been finding over and over that people, for whatever reason, are forming opinions about me that I just don't understand.  They're finding me to be "arrogant" and "haughty."  They're finding me to be "closed minded."  They have "grave concerns" about me.

Why?

I literally have no idea.

Now, probably, I shouldn't pay too much attention to these sorts of comments, because I've known myself for 24 and a half years and therefore know that I am neither arrogant nor haughty, am especially not closed minded, and that there's no real reason for anyone to have grave concerns about me.  If someone who barely knows me thinks such things, that's no reason to take their opinion seriously.

But it still bugs me, you know?  No one likes to be perceived in a negative manner.

Anyway, back to the point at hand.  Being unknown is like this constant weight on my shoulders here.  There's no sense of security, no assurance that I "belong" or that I will succeed.  I guess those are all things that come with the territory of moving to a new place and starting a new job.  But it still wears me down.

Here's the thing though - over the last couple months, I've had a ton of old friends and family come and visit me.  And each time, I find myself laughing more than I've laughed in weeks, smiling broader than I ever smile, and feeling more free to be myself than I ever do under normal circumstances.  And I think it's because these are the people that know me.  These are the people who have made me who I am - the people who know my flaws, and still believe in me.

More and more, I'm finding the power of relationships with other people to be incredibly sustaining.  It's such a beautiful thing to be known.  I don't mean "known" in the prideful way of being recognized as being somebody - I just mean being known.

I mean that moment when you see an old friend for the first time in years.

I mean being that table that's annoying all the other patrons in a restaurant because you're laughing so loudly.

I mean jokingly trying to stuff a friend into your car trunk so they won't leave, and having passerby think an actual crime is being committed.

I mean snagging three or four hours out of a "just passing through."

I mean driving an hour and a half just to have lunch.

I mean the hugs where you don't want to let go.

I'm so thankful for all of the opportunities I've had to get together with the people who truly know me over the last few months, especially when I've been struggling so much with feeling unknown in my present life.  I'm thankful for the friends who have come deliberately for overnight visits, and for the friends who took a few hours out of a drive to get together even though they were en route someplace else.

So to Amy, Whitney, Laurie, Sydney, Genny, Lauren, Erin, Laura, Jessica, Mom, Dad, Hannah, Brandon, and Miranda - thank you.  You guys brought sunshine into my life over the last seven months, and I'm so thankful for all of you.  It's friends like you that help me to keep blazing headfirst into the unknown, safe in the knowledge that I am known, and I am loved.